I have spent the past several months waiting and wishing for change. Hoping that my body would hold out, make it through today, and that tomorrow would pass and the next day and the next — before I realized they were gone. So that I could make it.
I have cried at the end of long days, because tomorrow was going to hit me again. I have escaped into movies and TV and tried to hang on while caring for the basic needs of my family at a deficit that seems inhuman. The truth is, it wouldn’t matter if I slept or rested all day, I would still be tired. So I do the things I must. Or just the things I want, some days, and thank God for that.
Sometimes suddenly I’ll get slapped with a jerk of energy and can whip the house into better shape, take care of a project that it overdue for attention, give the kids a good bath….
My husband has been the best cheerleader. My children so forgiving. It is humbling.
One day I was at the 40-day countdown. Maybe more or less….but either way, it felt like the end of a pregnancy. I am overready but the circumstances are beyond my control. 40 Days seemed like a long time.
I just want to be finished.
Then the Lord started speaking…. I am calling you out of death, and calling you into life. Each step, each day, a little more hope, a little more faith, a little more trust.
Each day a little more life.
Today I am at 19 days and counting. (I feel like Mom Duggar… that sounds like a lot but to me it isn’t. I would gladly have 19 children. Can I be just as glad to do 19 more days of torture to my body and then gladly submit to the surgeon’s knife?)
I could beat myself up about this, because at least I am not battling actual death, but it’s like running a race on glass shards. At moments I just want to scream or hit the wall or lock myself away or just leave and go to the beach forever.
It takes more than myself to calm down, look this Zombie in the eye and say, “You will not rule this day.” Then deep breaths and trusting God about all of it. Submitting to the long-term walk here.
Then reentering into my family life.
God, thank you for getting me this far. Give me new hope for today. Fresh life for today. I cast out death for today. Wanting to die… or just to be asleep all day… ignoring anything that doesn’t matter, including the dishes in the sink or the piled up laundry… ignoring my fatigue because it will be there whether I sleep or not.
Lord, thank you for delightful things to enjoy…. like helping my friend give birth this week. Like taking my kids to fun things today and tomorrow and the next and the next, already planned, like a beautiful symphony, ready for me to enjoy each day… because you have filled my days with life.
When I was in college and I struggled with depression, I had no idea that those skills would come in handy and be built upon during this season.
And I have heard you say God, that I am in for some really great things… and now I am seeing how some beautiful things are on their way. I trust you, God. Thanks for helping me, again and again and again.
Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Thanks for Reading, Friends.